Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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Print is alive and well!!!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The days of good grammer has went
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.