Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better