I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You got this…
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂