Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You Might Also Like
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.