I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
me when the borders lift
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes