what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You Might Also Like
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
based al yankovic
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Tough love is true love
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them