Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
what kind of cook setting is this??
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon