*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”