SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Why you watching this shit?”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO