Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My Sentiments Exactly
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I think this should do it.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!