My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”