Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.