Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Every haunted house movie:
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*checks Timeline*…
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel