best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming