Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*3.5 thank you very much.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Vodka burrito was a success
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums