Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously