Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
School be like
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.