[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Accurate
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed