what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.