Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
You Might Also Like
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If snakes were wide
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
lmfao
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?