My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
True?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.