Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party