her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.