Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
oh u like geography? name every lake
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex