Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?