This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark