Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You Might Also Like
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
lost dog
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth