[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.