Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
some things should go without saying
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun