H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.