Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My work here is don’t.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.