My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
😆this is so true
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣