*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end