no regrets
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.