“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
our love story in four pictures
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?