Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus