him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Important reminders
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan