My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
wishing you and yours all the best
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.