Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
You Might Also Like
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.