I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.