Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.