“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”