Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*me flirting
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*