“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious