Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.