A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When your man makes a valid point
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Hero horse inspires millions
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
a god among men
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.