Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You Might Also Like
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Are we there yet?…
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
🤭😂
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
this is so top tier i cant