[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Self-cleaning conscience
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Lucky old June.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.