Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You Might Also Like
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”