when revenge coincides with naptime
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Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?